Clevery Disguised

Most of the time I successfully masquerade as a responsible adult.  I go to work, pay my bills, take care of my family and my house, go to church, and basically do all those things that one would expect a typical married thirty-something to do.  And most of the time, I don’t have a problem with that.  I’ll admit, sometimes I sincerely wonder how I got to this point in my life, but I like my life.  God has been very good to me and mine.

Then are days like today – which is actually the culmination of a whole 2 weeks worth of kinda cruddy days and small disasters that span the full range of lost plugs for water bottles to undone homework and a sink perpetually full of dishes.  Life as normal, right?  But these are the days that I hear songs on the radio that talk about not being grown up, or escaping to the islands (yup, I’ve been listening to Kenney Chesney this morning), and wow, it just sounds so tempting.

I’ll tell you what – singing stars have it made.  Yes, I know that many of them live a totally degenerate lifestyle, and are so whacked out on drugs and booze that they can’t actually enjoy life.  But  there are those that live on a beach perpetually, or on an isolated ranch, or a beautiful home in the mountains.  And they get to go onstage and do what they love best over and over again – and get paid lots and lots of money to do it.  It’s the American dream for so many, to have that kind of fame and fortune.

Me?  I love to sing – but I don’t think I’d want the fame.  I don’t know, God hasn’t blessed me with that.  And the money would be nice – but I figure sometimes that God doesn’t bless me with riches because I can’t handle it properly yet.  (I’m getting there – the handling part, definitely not the rich part.)  But the part I sometimes envy is the ability and opportunity to disappear into their self-made bubbles and sometimes literal islands of privacy and forget the rest of the world exists.

Of course, I know that celebrities don’t actually have much privacy.  Even those who aren’t really celebrities per se, just folks with lots of money and power, don’t have privacy, or even peace of mind.  How many more worries do they have that I will never have to bother with at all?  I think I’ll take mine.

I’ll admit to entertaining thoughts of running away to the islands somewhere, or figuring out a way to be independently wealthy – with an emphasis on the “independently” part – and not have to deal with real life.  But even as I write this, I know God is nudging at me.  I am where I am for His greater purpose.  Even when I can’t see ‘round the next bend, or even the next step.  Even when I feel like life spins on around me without my say – God has a plan, and it is a good one.  (That’s a Jeremiah 29:11 paraphrase, one of my favorites.)  And because He started this good thing, He will complete it, too.

Even when being a grown-up is just a clever disguise….

Sorry, We're Closed

I’ve been remiss in writing, again.  I’ve been in somewhat of a funk the last few weeks, partly because of sickness, partly because the wacky weather.  Here in the desert we are in the middle of monsoon season.  Usually we look forward to this time of year because it brings much-needed rain – but this year we haven’t seen much of it.  Instead, we’ve been “enjoying” record-breaking high temperatures.  Yuck.

I don’t think it would affect me so badly except for the fact that I’ve become very spoiled for my lovely sunshiny days.  I shudder to think that the places I lived before coming to Arizona could sometimes count the number of sunny days in a month on one hand.  I’ve come to love the rain here (yes, us crazy desert dwellers really do go out and stand in it, my kids think it’s the best thing to play in!), but partly because it’s so rare.  This monsoon season, we’ve had a lot of cloud cover and dust storms, but not much rain to show for it.  That bugs me.  After all, if it’s going to be cloudy, it really ought to do something with it, right?

It kind of feels like the way life is right now.  My kids have started school again, soccer season begins next week, and suddenly my life seems like an unending circle of the mundane.  I know, I signed up for this – but when life gets grinding, it’s hard to see the bigger picture.

The other day on a local business, I saw a large sign: Closed for Summer.  Now, remember that we’ve had almost 30 days over 110 degrees this summer.  People don’t like to stay here when it’s that hot, and all our “tourism” happens in the winter, when it’s beautiful and non-snowy.  So lots of businesses cut down their hours and some, obviously, close altogether.  It’s kept me thinking, though.

There are so many days (weeks, months) when I wish I could hang out a “closed” sign.  Sometimes, I just want it for 5 minutes!  I am the type of person who has spent 20 years learning the hard way how to say no to people, and feeling I have to do more to be able to live up to others’ expectations.  But sometimes I wish it was so easy as to say, nope, sorry, I’m closed today.  To ditch my “responsible reflex” as a friend puts it, and go do what I want instead of what’s on the schedule.

When I am in the midst of these kind of funks like I’ve been experiencing for the last couple of weeks, I have to give myself something to look forward to.  But more importantly, I have to keep my eyes firmly fixed on Someone else besides myself.  I have been given the role I have in my own little world by the Creator Himself – who am I to ask for more, unless it is to glorify Him?  What a great privilege and responsibility to do what He has asked me, even if no one knows it but Him!

I’ll admit, sometimes I have to just keep repeating that to myself – it’s not an easy concept!  But knowing my family and responsibilities are given by Him helps me put my life in a better life, even when it’s a little rough.  And knowing He sees and knows – and more importantly, cares – gets me through a whole lot along the way.  

Everything Changes

I got to talk on the phone yesterday to a dear friend.  She left our town over a year ago, and though I’ve been able to see her a couple of times in the last year, soon she will be leaving for another country.  I’m so proud of her and her family, taking a major step in their lives and following God’s leading to be missionaries in Africa.  But I am selfishly wishing that they weren’t going.  Of course, I also selfishly wish that none of our kids (and I mean my other good friends and I as well) would get any older, because it causes change and separation.  And that we wouldn’t grow any older either (I mean, hey, while I’m dreaming of impossible things…).

               

 I’m afraid more than anything else I guess.  I don’t like change much – I like my lists and schedules and plans.  Even if I know God must snicker at them sometimes.  I don’t like that my kids may not remember their friends when they come back in 4 years.  And the phone call yesterday reminded me that phone calls won’t be easy or often from another country.  (makes me glad for internet – at least I can keep up with a blog and FB!)  So that call yesterday was more than just a conversation – it was a wonderful surprise and a treasured time. 

 Thankfully, it also reminded me that the relationships we have here may change, but our Father does not!  Praise God!  His love and care for us does not change, no matter how old we or our kids are or where we move to  - even when we don’t reciprocate!  He remains the same, yesterday, today, tomorrow.  And he wants us to have that relationship with Him, even – and maybe especially – when our lives change constantly around us.   I’m glad that something in my life remains constant.  In a world filled with change, it’s good to know He doesn’t.

I left my heart....

Today my heart is in another country – and that country is the Dominican Republic.  For those who don’t know where that is, it’s in the Caribbean, and shares the island of Hispaniola with Haiti.  It’s beautiful, poor, and I wish I were there.

Does this seem a little random today?  Well, my mother-in-law, her sister, my good friend Gina and her family and a few others are all part of a missions team that are there (or almost there, half the team are on their way right now) working with Partnership for Hope (PFH). 

Two summers ago, I went on my very first mission trip to the town of Esperanza, D.R.  The group I went with, PFH, is a nonprofit organization that was actually started by two good friends from my town, who have been going down to this particular Dominican town for 11 years now.  While I was there, we cleaned up a second story of a church to prep it for further construction (and by clean up, I mean dig up rough concrete, dirt, etc. in 90 degree/90% humidity); ran a kids’ Bible school, and visited with several families, churches and ministries in the area.  18 days later, I was in love with the people and fully intending to return.

Two years later, I haven’t been able to get back yet (though I’m hoping to this fall).  But I’m now part of the PFH organization, helping with paperwork and planning and all the little things that go into making a volunteer nonprofit run.   I still pray for and keep up with several of the friends that I made while I was there, and marvel at the way God keeps working in their lives and those around them.  And I look forward to the time that God provides for me to be able to visit them again (and again!).

In the meantime, I’m praying hard for the group of 11 that is there for the next 10 days.  They will be doing construction and a kids’ Bible school again, as well as something new for PFH: a women’s conference.  Two actually, at two different churches.  We’re all excited about it, because they’ve been asking for it for several years, and this year everything fell into place to make it happen.  I know God is going to do some amazing things with the PFH team and the people they minister to.  And hopefully, next time I’ll be there, too!

P.S.  If you'd like to see what PFH is all about, check them out online at www.partnershipforhope.com or on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/Partnership-for-Hope/169799543039150

Technologically Savvy

It’s been striking me as a little odd lately that I have somehow become a tech geek.  Not the kind of geek that has to have all the latest of every new technology out there (I still don’t have a smartphone, after all), but the kind that everyone asks how to make something work.  My mother-in-law, who lives next door to me, says I can never move, because she would never be able to work her own computer.  I found myself getting excited today over a small box delivered to my work: a brand new hand-held digital recording system.  I keep having to tear myself away from the manual to get my regular work done!

It didn’t used to be this way – my husband was the computer freak.  Games, systems, internet: he was the resident expert, not me.  I never learned how to use a proper computer (outside of typing class) until halfway through college.  And almost everything I know about computers I’ve taught myself.  I know that if I push enough buttons, I can figure out what to do.  I can’t explain that to someone else, but I know way more than enough to be dangerous.

Now, I’m the one who can (mostly) intelligently research a new computer program, or digital recording system, or wireless printer, and be able to figure it out with few headaches.  I’m addicted to live streaming, and honestly, the main reason I don’t have a Droid is because I’m afraid of how much time I would spend on it!  (I spend most of my day on the computer for work, and try to limit it at home because of that – when I can avoid eye contact with the laptop.)

I enjoy my tech knowledge – it helps me in the everyday of doing things.  I need to stop to consider, though: if I spent as much time with God and my family with the same amount of “face-to-face” time as I do with my computer screen, how much more impressive would those relationships be?  A lofty, but attainable, goal, and one I think I’ll be striving for….

beginnings

So I've finally given in to the dark side and created my own blog.  I'm pretty sure I may only use this for my own ramblings, but who knows?  maybe I'll make something important out of it.

Why "living in exile"?  It's a long-running joke that I remember seeing on a bumper sticker when I was a kid - "Born in Maine, Living in Exile".  Of course, I can't claim the born part (Germany, military brat), but raised, that I can attest to.  I don't have the accent, so people are always surprised to hear that I grew up there.  But I know that I have at least a bit of salt water in my blood, and a longing taste for "real" seafood - which, of course, you can only find in Maine.

These days, I live in the Sonoran Desert - Arizona.  And I have, in fact, just celebrated my 7th anniversary of moving here.  I have now officially lived here longer than anywhere else except for Maine.  How on earth did I end up here?  My husband grew up here, in a little town northwest of Phoenix, where the culture is still very much cowboy and people like me are from "back east."  At least after 11 years of marriage, my father-in-law no longer asks what it's like in the Great White North - to me, anyway.

I love it here, actually.  Yup, it gets hot.  (but it's a dry heat, haha)  But I've acclimated to the point that my mother, who still lives in Maine, laughs at me and my boys when we think it's chilly.  Because of course she thinks it's beautiful weather then.  I'll admit, I still like it a little cooler than most native Zonies, but I'm told after 20 years or so I'll change.  We'll see.  But it is beautiful here, wide open and rugged.  It makes me feel a little guilty feeling claustrophobic when I visit New England now. 

But I will admit, more than anything else, I miss the ocean.  I spent long hours on Maine's beaches as a child and teen, and still visit them when I get my very-short visits there.  If you haven't spent the time on the ocean in New England, you will not understand.  No matter how I try to explain the difference, the California beaches are not the same, even if they're closer.  There's nothing quite like the sea smell in the air and the crash of the waves against rock walls and sandy beaches - whether in the heat of summer or the chill of winter.

So here I am, living life in a place I never imagined 20 years ago.  And thankfully, in a way that I never would have expected 20 years ago.  I am not the person I used to be - but more on that later.  In the meantime, to all of us "exilers" I send a shout-out of encouragement - it can be done, and we carry on.